THE BEACH GIRLS – Like I Was There But Didn’t Get the Free Bag of Pot

Purely a party movie that revolves around a Malibu beach house, a rich uncle, and partying college co-eds celebrating the end of the school year, THE BEACH GIRLS is a classic good time movie with plenty of laughs. No deep thinking necessary, no overly serious moments, and no moral lessons at the end other than HAVE FUN! Just sit back and enjoy the good times!

Our main character of our film is Sarah, a nerdy goody-two-shoes who’s rich uncle is letting her spend the summer at his beautiful beach house. She is intent on not doing anything bad or out of line this summer so OF COURSE she chooses to bring her two slutty, party-gal friends Ginger and Ducky, who pick up a cute hitchhiker along the way. These two start making calls immediately, getting every kid in the phonebook to come join in the party. The house becomes the biggest, greatest party around and the first night is a HUGE hit.

The neighbors, however, catch wind of what is going on and tell the rich uncle’s stuck-up fiance. She wants the party shut down at once, and sends Uncle Carl out to kick everyone out. Sarah is fine with following the rules, but Ginger and Ducky won’t give up their perfect party pad so easily hatch a plan to get Uncle Carl to loosen up, and they sure can be convincing! Meanwhile there are some drug smugglers out in the ocean being chased by the Navy, and the smugglers end up scuttling their cargo, causing garbage bags full of fresh, green pot to wash ashore and spice up the party even more.

Familiar faces in this movie are all over. Fans of ANIMAL HOUSE will be some of the first to be satisfied with the hitchhiker and main character Scott, played by James Daughton but also known as Greg Marmalard. The neighbors who tell on the girls’ party, but eventually join in the fun along with EVERYONE ELSE, are both of note. The husband is played by Beans Morocco (AKA Dan Barrows) who you can also see as “Bobby R,” the mama’s boy looking for a good spanking in EATING RAOUL. His wife is played by Mary Jo Catlett who co-stars in the John Waters film SERIAL MOM alongside Kathleen Turner. Countless other familiar faces abound, if you look closely at the party goers you will see plenty of them. I’ve yet to catch Catherine Mary Stewart, who I’ve always loved in NIGHT OF THE COMET, but she is there as “surfer girl” somewhere! Tell me if you see her…

Something to note about this movie is that the story is really only about 20 minutes long, MAYBE 40 if you really pay attention to all of the characters. With a plot like that you have a LOT of time to spend showing party scenes and elaborating on details that have nothing to do with anything other than having an amazing party or maximizing the amount of nudity and slapstick jokes. If the story was taken more seriously we wouldn’t have the Mexican gardener character, who is constantly longing to join the party but is afraid to join in, and has a series of mishaps on the sidelines. And it wouldn’t be an 80’s movie without a Japanese character doing karate, which also freaks out the Navy guys when they storm the beach looking for the missing pot. THE BEACH GIRLS is basically a neat party idea where everything works out in the end, doubled in length by hi-jinks, nudity, dancing and corny jokes. It makes for a truly enjoyable time, one where you want to jump in the pool right with the characters. And since you are watching the movie at home and probably not 18 you can get naked if you want and nobody needs to know.

The cool thing about this movie is I turned it on thinking it was going to be awful. I was surprised that not only was it a blast to watch, but it kept my attention the entire time. The jokes were funny, unique background characters bring the party to life, and the development of the story was done well so that I was actually interested in seeing what would happen. For a movie like this where there really isn’t much to think about, I found myself really engaged with the characters and rooting for the party to go on. I was never bored, it was fun and engaging and made me feel good, like I had a little party of my own. And like I wanted to go score some 80’s pot.

This film is a blast! Watch it with a bowl of popcorn on a day when you’ve had enough of adult life and just want to have a good time. It will rub off on you ;)

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MICROWAVE MASSACRE - “The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time”

How can you tell a movie is going to be good? When it opens with shameless T&A shots, that’s how.

Ok, so that isn’t true at all. But that is how this movie starts out, and its pretty damn bad and good all in one. It’s sick, its twisted, its wrong and disgusting, and the acting is 98% awful beyond belief. The jokes are stupid, delivered with the assistance of 70’s porno music and a variety of interchangeable hookers and strippers. Why would someone watch this movie?

I watch it because it’s sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting, and I happen to really like 70’s porno music.

Jackie Vernon.  You may also remember him as Frosty the Snowman. 

We follow our star Donald, played by Jackie Vernon (AKA Frosty the Snowman in the old cartoon movie,) as he hones his newfound taste for female flesh, in more ways than one. His nagging wife is a horrible cook, and he would give anything for a bologna and cheese instead of her attempts at fine french cuisine prepared in their monster-sized microwave oven. Apparently this microwave is all the rage but, just like food prepared in them today, Mae’s cooking is awful. Donald tries to be polite for as long as possible, but he CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Thankfully, there is an incident and they break up, in a way. I will leave the details for the movie, but let’s just say Donald won’t have to worry about eating Mae’s cooking anymore.

So what is a free and single guy with a big appetite to do? He makes friends with two younger guys he works construction with, and they head out together in search of chicks. Donald is loving the new single life when he goes into the garage for a midnight snack. Forgetting that he stored Mae in the refrigerator he gets his first taste of HUMAN FLESH, and decides he likes Mae better this way. Mae was packing on the pounds in the later years of their marriage, but she still only lasts so long. So Donald goes out in search of women to screw AND eat. And because he is a nice guy, he also shares the spoils of his new love of cooking with his best buds. What a guy!

"I don't know how you do it, but it gets better every time"

Of course this can’t go on forever, its too perfect a deal. But whatever happens to Donald I will leave for you to find out. What I will tell you is that Donald is one of the most fun and sympathetic killers of any movie. He is a simple guy, and he wants a simple life. His wife wants to make things all fancy and complicated and nags him to no end for not going along with it. Who wouldn’t want to be free of that? Once he gets away from her he can be himself again; he tells bad jokes, never washes his car, sleeps with women with no strings attached; Donald lives a bachelor’s paradise.

MICROWAVE MASSACRE started as a story written by Craig Muckler (neighbor in women’s underwear) for a class taught by Irv Berwick, the classic b-movie director, who’s son Wayne would go on to direct the film. It is purposefully exploitative, low budget, and B-stock all the way. It never pretends to be anything else, and it never lets you down. The story is unique and witty, and add in a bit of cannibalism and you’ve got yourself something really special.

"I may have underestimated Mae's taste!"

This movie is full of bad jokes told by bad actors. By bad actors I don’t mean people who are trying hard and sucking, I mean people who have never acted before and, in most cases, never acted again. So they are telling it like it is, really. Corny puns told by someone without an acting lesson actually makes it funnier – you can see the joke coming, its presented, and when you laugh at it you might get a little embarrassed if anyone is watching. I would call these “Dad jokes” all the way. They aren’t cool, they certainly aren’t funny, but they are pretty clever and you have to give them credit for that. You end up really liking the person who tells the stupid joke awkwardly and, if you’re anything like me, you might find yourself quoting the lamest of them in public and giggling like a maniac, just a little.

So what is the moral of a sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting story like this? I think it goes something like – relax, chill out, and taste the finer things in life!

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EATING RAOUL - The Best Movie You've Never Seen

BONK!

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, your life is not complete. You cannot die. Well, plenty of people have died without seeing this movie, but let’s say that isn’t really living. EATING RAOUL is the most uplifting, inspiring story of murderers/stalkers/cannibals ever told. If you’ve ever been passed over for a promotion, ignored by someone who you were working extra hard for, or thought “why them and not me?” then this is a film you will love. Sex, drugs and full-frontal nudity run rampant and the good guys prevail thanks to the party.

This film is the introduction of Paul and Mary Bland, characters reprised in numerous movies over the following decade, but I’ll leave those to you to identify in the comments below. The Blands are an uptight and old fashioned couple living in the swinging 80’s in L.A. Everyone they see is sexually perverse and every bit revolting to the straight-laced couple. But like anyone in Hollywood they dream big, they wish to one day open their own restaurant in the suburbs. Ahh, the trees, living above the store: real small town life Gilmore Girls style. 

Sounds great except the Blands don’t have any money. They can’t pay the bills and their jobs suck, they work their asses off all day while the swingers get high and screw and have money falling out of whichever orifice they prefer that evening. It isn’t until Mary is attacked by a swinger and Paul hits him over the head with a frying pan that they see just how they can get the money for their dream – at the expense of “horrible, sex-crazed maniacs no one in the world would miss...” With help from their friend Doris the Dominatrix the Blands learn their way around the world of kink, and Raoul swoops in to add the final piece of the puzzle; what does a nice young couple do with their victim’s body after they have looted it? Raoul has some friends that are in the market for just such an item...

So look, if you dream of something you don’t have yet, this movie will resonate with you. Maybe you’ll be upset they thought of the idea first, but no one carries cash anymore anyway so the idea needs some tweaking, maybe Apple Pay. The Blands are painfully proper but anyone can relate to their situation as they work towards their dream. The more angry and upset they get, the harder things seem to get. But their opportunity comes, like it will for all of us! They get to profit from the scum of the earth they have such disdain for, and they loosen up a bit in the process. You would never guess you’d see these two stiffs at a rich swingers party in the Hollywood Hills, but you will (WARNING: NUDITY!).

One thing I really enjoy about this movie other than the vengeful story line is the set design. The Blands’ apartment is decked out 50’s style, with mother’s furniture, retro mirrors and pillars of cacti. Their double beds give them the space they both seek, but best is the stuffed wine bottle that Paul sleeps with. Paul Giamatti’s character in SIDEWAYS probably has the same one and clutches it with the same love and adoration. The x-rays in the background while Mary and Raoul have their fling are easy to miss at first, and even harder to see at the swinger’s party over the fireplace in their fancy artwork form, but they are there. The artwork in the Bland apartment as they become more comfortable with their sexuality, and a little more greedy, changes also, along with the flourishes they use for each client they go out of their way to please before bopping over the head and disposing of the body via Raoul and his friends at the Doggy King dog food factory.

EATING RAOUL is one of my favorite movies of all time. The story is a feel-good, heartwarming tale of success, overcoming the obstacles of life to achieve your biggest goals, and doing it as a team, a husband and wife together. Aww, how cute. But in this day and age you can’t do anything by being nice. You have to be calculating, purposeful, and a little greedy. The Blands learn that the sexually liberated people they hate the most are actually the people who will make their goals possible, and if they use their brains their dreams will come true.

Hey, if I could be rich and sit by my pool and order drinks delivered to me all day, and all I had to do was hit a bunch of my worst enemies in the head with a frying pan, I would call it a pretty fair trade, wouldn’t you?

P.S. - Why is it called EATING RAOUL? You’ll never know if you don’t watch the film all the way to the end!

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