How can you tell a
movie is going to be good? When it opens with shameless T&A
shots, that’s how.
Ok, so that isn’t
true at all. But that is how this movie starts out, and its pretty
damn bad and good all in one. It’s sick, its twisted, its wrong
and disgusting, and the acting is 98% awful beyond belief. The jokes
are stupid, delivered with the assistance of 70’s porno music and a
variety of interchangeable hookers and strippers. Why would someone
watch this movie?
I watch it because
it’s sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting, and I happen to really
like 70’s porno music.
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| Jackie Vernon. You may also remember him as Frosty the Snowman. |
We follow our star
Donald, played by Jackie Vernon (AKA Frosty the Snowman in the old
cartoon movie,) as he hones his newfound taste for female flesh, in
more ways than one. His nagging wife is a horrible cook, and he
would give anything for a bologna and cheese instead of her attempts
at fine french cuisine prepared in their monster-sized microwave
oven. Apparently this microwave is all the rage but, just like food
prepared in them today, Mae’s cooking is awful. Donald tries to be
polite for as long as possible, but he CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Thankfully, there is an incident and they break up, in a way. I will
leave the details for the movie, but let’s just say Donald won’t
have to worry about eating Mae’s cooking anymore.
So what is a free
and single guy with a big appetite to do? He makes friends with two
younger guys he works construction with, and they head out together
in search of chicks. Donald is loving the new single life when he
goes into the garage for a midnight snack. Forgetting that he stored
Mae in the refrigerator he gets his first taste of HUMAN FLESH, and
decides he likes Mae better this way. Mae was packing on the pounds
in the later years of their marriage, but she still only lasts so
long. So Donald goes out in search of women to screw AND eat. And
because he is a nice guy, he also shares the spoils of his new love
of cooking with his best buds. What a guy!
 |
| "I don't know how you do it, but it gets better every time" |
Of course this
can’t go on forever, its too perfect a deal. But whatever happens
to Donald I will leave for you to find out. What I will tell you is
that Donald is one of the most fun and sympathetic killers of any
movie. He is a simple guy, and he wants a simple life. His wife
wants to make things all fancy and complicated and nags him to no end
for not going along with it. Who wouldn’t want to be free of that?
Once he gets away from her he can be himself again; he tells bad
jokes, never washes his car, sleeps with women with no strings
attached; Donald lives a bachelor’s paradise.
MICROWAVE
MASSACRE started as a story written by Craig Muckler (neighbor in
women’s underwear) for a class taught by Irv Berwick, the classic
b-movie director, who’s son Wayne would go on to direct the film.
It is purposefully exploitative, low budget, and B-stock all the way.
It never pretends to be anything else, and it never lets you down.
The story is unique and witty, and add in a bit of cannibalism and
you’ve got yourself something really special.
 |
| "I may have underestimated Mae's taste!" |
This
movie is full of bad jokes told by bad actors. By bad actors I don’t
mean people who are trying hard and sucking, I mean people who have
never acted before and, in most cases, never acted again. So they
are telling it like it is, really. Corny puns told by someone
without an acting lesson actually makes it funnier – you can see
the joke coming, its presented, and when you laugh at it you might
get a little embarrassed if anyone is watching. I would call these
“Dad jokes” all the way. They aren’t cool, they certainly
aren’t funny, but they are pretty clever and you have to give them
credit for that. You end up really liking the person who tells the
stupid joke awkwardly and, if you’re anything like me, you might
find yourself quoting the lamest of them in public and giggling like
a maniac, just a little.
So what is the moral of a sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting story like this? I think it goes something like – relax, chill out, and taste the finer things in life!
Check out this and other horrible, disgusting, stupidly amazing movies on our YouTube channel, www.youtube.com/OutThereMovies
